wow. i was JUST thinking about this recently. sometimes, it feels as if i cannot let my pain just be my pain. it has to be part of some grand process in my becoming, and sometimes i even find myself clinging to it as if i don’t know who i am without it. i find that i have always shrunk with friend groups, struggling to make space for my world too and perhaps that is why i lean into romanticizing it instead. because imagining it as something of importance makes me feel worthy too.
I journaled a few months about something very similar! A personal quote I wrote that I keep till this day with me is “To let yourself feel without thinking”. As you stated, sometimes you just have to accept that you’re sad, not overthink, not say “this is simply just a rough chapter in my life”. Because In reality, in that moment, you’re simply just feeling sad.
The line about worsening the mood “to give it the justice it deserves” stayed with me. Romanticizing pain may be less about loving suffering than fearing that unadorned suffering will pass without witness. A song, a dead writer, a tragic frame—each gives grief an audience, and therefore a kind of legitimacy.
The costume becomes difficult to remove because recovery can feel like becoming illegible. If the pain is no longer beautiful, inherited, or narratively important, who will remember that it mattered? Perhaps what we fear losing is not the wound itself, but the only language that ever made it visible.
I found myself thinking about how easy it is to mistake meaning for suffering itself. We often tell ourselves that pain must be transforming us because the alternative, that some experiences simply hurt, feels harder to accept. I especially appreciated the line about "hanging up the costumes of tragedy." It doesn't dismiss grief. It simply reminds us that healing doesn't make our story less meaningful, and that an ordinary, peaceful life isn't something to apologize for.
Several years ago, I’ve read “A Little Life” and I think it was the only book that really made me burst into tears as it faithfully displayed my suffering. Since then, I’ve constantly reflected on my sadness and on how it helped me mould my life. I’ve come into the realisation that thanks to this displeasing suffering I have started to think, to notice the nuances of my surroundings, to question several aspects of my life. I strongly believe that without suffering I cannot progress because it has become a companion more faithful than any other person I’ve met.
What a beautiful depiction of self-reflection. To be able to step outside ourselves and see the messy, sometimes unbelievable truth of it all is such a gift. I don’t like the idea of wallowing in or romanticizing my suffering, but I do believe there’s healing in sharing our experiences. Thank you for this beautiful piece. It was a lovely read, and I truly love your writing style.
why as a society do we sit in grief? it is expected to get better over time? but it doesn’t. we sit within our discomfort and expect to become comforted? i don’t understand i never have. this actually put into words what ive thought for so many years. also i love plath and her journals are so interesting to me! the bell jar is one of my favourite books. i see you plath.
This put something I've been feeling into such beautiful words! I've gotten so used to being sad and creating meaning for it that being anything other than a victim has become unfamiliar.
While I do think I've grown and learned as the result of some of my suffering, most of my worst suffering has been absolutely meaningless. After all, suffering is part of being a living being. It simply exists and always will as long as there is life in the universe.
Yet knowing that, I find so much comfort in creating these narratives and meanings up in my head. This victimhood has become a shield from feeling and living. I'm so tired of it. I see it, it's many manifestations in my life, but honestly I don't know how to live another way. I'm going to try anyway of course, but I'm allowing myself a little melancholy. Baby steps.
Ahhhh I had a lot of therapy to move through this way of thinking. I must admit, it’s more freeing to feel your pain and sadness in its purest form. I think it’s ok to know you’ll learn something from your pain, especially if you have proof of it happening. This took me back to a dark time I guess, I probably didn’t realise until now how much I revelled in it
Thank you for this. The connection with art / artists seems like such a big part of this, because artists have always captured and shared theirs for the world to see and relate to and admire. The belief many hold that it is pain and only pain (or drugs and only drugs) that can fuel the work keeps many drawn to it and there are countless places to be drawn to. (Bob Dylan's line, like so many others: "Behind every beautiful thing, there's been some kind of pain.")
So if I am not suffering, then I can't create.
At the most basic level there is probably some truth to this in the sense that we all experience pain - like all other feelings- and it naturally becomes part of our artistic expression, but somehow many have convinced themselves that the pain is the most worthy or only one worthy of sharing.
Another lyric that comes to mind as part of my own self-awareness is from Bleeders by the Wallflowers: "You're only sad and lonely and no one is impressed." A bit harsh upon first reading, maybe, but I take it as an important reminder of, "Yup, we all feel that. Now what?"
wow. i was JUST thinking about this recently. sometimes, it feels as if i cannot let my pain just be my pain. it has to be part of some grand process in my becoming, and sometimes i even find myself clinging to it as if i don’t know who i am without it. i find that i have always shrunk with friend groups, struggling to make space for my world too and perhaps that is why i lean into romanticizing it instead. because imagining it as something of importance makes me feel worthy too.
I journaled a few months about something very similar! A personal quote I wrote that I keep till this day with me is “To let yourself feel without thinking”. As you stated, sometimes you just have to accept that you’re sad, not overthink, not say “this is simply just a rough chapter in my life”. Because In reality, in that moment, you’re simply just feeling sad.
Love the quote it just motivated me write something on it.
Sadness is not misfortune, but a receipt for the moments of warmth; so what would be strange about returning to hold onto them despite the pain?
I really love your post. Every word of it is artistic and self reflecting
The line about worsening the mood “to give it the justice it deserves” stayed with me. Romanticizing pain may be less about loving suffering than fearing that unadorned suffering will pass without witness. A song, a dead writer, a tragic frame—each gives grief an audience, and therefore a kind of legitimacy.
The costume becomes difficult to remove because recovery can feel like becoming illegible. If the pain is no longer beautiful, inherited, or narratively important, who will remember that it mattered? Perhaps what we fear losing is not the wound itself, but the only language that ever made it visible.
That was the note that turned me onto you... you're right, but I never thought of it that way before... my pain is drinking..
wow. sometimes we don’t want relief as much as we want our pain to mean something.
I found myself thinking about how easy it is to mistake meaning for suffering itself. We often tell ourselves that pain must be transforming us because the alternative, that some experiences simply hurt, feels harder to accept. I especially appreciated the line about "hanging up the costumes of tragedy." It doesn't dismiss grief. It simply reminds us that healing doesn't make our story less meaningful, and that an ordinary, peaceful life isn't something to apologize for.
Several years ago, I’ve read “A Little Life” and I think it was the only book that really made me burst into tears as it faithfully displayed my suffering. Since then, I’ve constantly reflected on my sadness and on how it helped me mould my life. I’ve come into the realisation that thanks to this displeasing suffering I have started to think, to notice the nuances of my surroundings, to question several aspects of my life. I strongly believe that without suffering I cannot progress because it has become a companion more faithful than any other person I’ve met.
What a beautiful depiction of self-reflection. To be able to step outside ourselves and see the messy, sometimes unbelievable truth of it all is such a gift. I don’t like the idea of wallowing in or romanticizing my suffering, but I do believe there’s healing in sharing our experiences. Thank you for this beautiful piece. It was a lovely read, and I truly love your writing style.
why as a society do we sit in grief? it is expected to get better over time? but it doesn’t. we sit within our discomfort and expect to become comforted? i don’t understand i never have. this actually put into words what ive thought for so many years. also i love plath and her journals are so interesting to me! the bell jar is one of my favourite books. i see you plath.
This put something I've been feeling into such beautiful words! I've gotten so used to being sad and creating meaning for it that being anything other than a victim has become unfamiliar.
While I do think I've grown and learned as the result of some of my suffering, most of my worst suffering has been absolutely meaningless. After all, suffering is part of being a living being. It simply exists and always will as long as there is life in the universe.
Yet knowing that, I find so much comfort in creating these narratives and meanings up in my head. This victimhood has become a shield from feeling and living. I'm so tired of it. I see it, it's many manifestations in my life, but honestly I don't know how to live another way. I'm going to try anyway of course, but I'm allowing myself a little melancholy. Baby steps.
Ahhhh I had a lot of therapy to move through this way of thinking. I must admit, it’s more freeing to feel your pain and sadness in its purest form. I think it’s ok to know you’ll learn something from your pain, especially if you have proof of it happening. This took me back to a dark time I guess, I probably didn’t realise until now how much I revelled in it
Have you read “Passionate Marriage” by David Schnarch?
Oooof girl. Wow, I feel seen and I understand.
Thank you for helping me see myself through your words.
Thank you for this. The connection with art / artists seems like such a big part of this, because artists have always captured and shared theirs for the world to see and relate to and admire. The belief many hold that it is pain and only pain (or drugs and only drugs) that can fuel the work keeps many drawn to it and there are countless places to be drawn to. (Bob Dylan's line, like so many others: "Behind every beautiful thing, there's been some kind of pain.")
So if I am not suffering, then I can't create.
At the most basic level there is probably some truth to this in the sense that we all experience pain - like all other feelings- and it naturally becomes part of our artistic expression, but somehow many have convinced themselves that the pain is the most worthy or only one worthy of sharing.
Another lyric that comes to mind as part of my own self-awareness is from Bleeders by the Wallflowers: "You're only sad and lonely and no one is impressed." A bit harsh upon first reading, maybe, but I take it as an important reminder of, "Yup, we all feel that. Now what?"